How to Strengthen Your Emotional Intelligence

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Emotionally intelligent people are empathetic, resilient, and better able to handle life’s challenges. They make wise decisions and tend to be excellent leaders and compassionate friends. 

Developing this skill set is wholesome work that rebuilds you into a more aware, sympathetic, and responsible version of yourself. If you aren’t sure where to begin, try flexing your self-regulation with these skills and tips. 

1. Own Your Feelings

Identifying your emotions unlocks self-awareness. Instead of justifying your actions with phrases like “I’m so stressed,” get specific. Are you overwhelmed? Frustrated? Exhausted? Undervalued? Naming your feelings lets you manage them effectively. The goal isn’t to create drama or guilt — it’s to gain clarity and control.

2. Take a Breath Before You Talk

Thoughtfulness transforms communication. You may instinctively react impulsively when emotions run high or pressure mounts. However, that knee-jerk response doesn’t always reflect your best self — it often mirrors frustration, defensiveness, or unchecked emotion rather than clarity and intention.

Take a deep breath to allow your brain to shift from reacting to responding. Even a five-second pause can help you answer calmly, ask a clarifying question, or realize you don’t need to say anything. 

3. Get Curious, Not Defensive 

Receiving feedback might make you feel like you’re under attack, but listening to your harsh inner critic is counterproductive. Instead of shutting down or snapping back, ask, “Can you tell me more about what you noticed?” Curiosity shifts the energy, turns conflict into conversation and helps you grow without spiraling. Being interested and not defensive lets you identify hangups like a negativity bias, when your default setting is to expect the worst every time.

4. Map Your Pressure Patterns

Do you shut down in tense meetings, overapologize when things go wrong, or become irritable under stress? Understanding these instinctive reactions gives you the power to shift. You’re not trying to change overnight — you’re building self-awareness, one moment at a time. 

5. Practice Assertive Communication

Silence and snapping aren’t your only options. Assertiveness means expressing your thoughts, feelings and boundaries respectfully. Try using “I” statements, like, “I feel left out when I’m not part of family decisions.” It’s honest, not aggressive. 

6. Read the Room

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about what you feel — it’s about noticing others too. Pay attention to body language, tone and timing. Is your co-worker unusually quiet? Does your partner look distracted when you discuss your day? Social awareness lets you respond with more empathy and impact. It also makes people trust you as you live in the real world, not caught up in self-inflicted drama. You have enough wisdom to listen empathetically when they share their concerns. 

7. Manage Your Energy and Time

You can’t manage your emotions when you’re constantly running on fumes. Prioritize rest and make time for self-care. Eat balanced meals and get enough movement to support your physical and emotional well-being. Self-regulation requires fuel, and burnout will short-circuit your best intentions every time. You’re not a machine — stop expecting yourself to function like one. 

Try these ideas to hone your self-regulation abilities:

• Start journaling to develop your reflective powers.
• Spend five minutes each morning in quiet contemplation or meditation.
• Make an empathy map for yourself and others, evaluating what you say, think, feel and do. 
• Get at least seven hours of sleep each night and reflect on how you feel when you don’t. 
• Practice daily deep breathing to regulate your autonomic nervous system and release tension. 

8. Work on Expressing Your Feelings

Emotional fluency is like any other language — the more you practice, the better you get. Instead of labeling your days as “good” or “bad,” check in with yourself in the morning and evening to identify whether you are content, irritated, embarrassed, or confident. 

9. Recover From Conflict

You’re human and will make mistakes — it’s only natural. The secret is how you respond to setbacks. Apologizing without defensiveness, checking in after an argument, or saying, “I didn’t react the way I wanted to in that moment — can we try again?” builds trust faster than pretending it never happened. 

Moving from self-regulation to having emotional integrity means you know you are imperfect and embrace those flaws. At the same time, you accept the same humanity in others because what matters is how people respond after moments of poor regulation. 

10. Pick Your Tribe

Building your emotional IQ isn’t a solo journey. Seek mentors, managers, partners, and friends who model self-awareness, accountability, and empathy. Their examples will inspire you and normalize healthier ways of communicating and problem-solving. 

Science says you can self-regulate better when you associate with a supportive group of people. However, this is only true if your circle doesn’t ruminate with you and encourages positive action and thinking instead. 

11. Communicate Self-Awareness

Researcher, author, and speaker Brené Brown discusses the concept of comparative suffering. She explains she and her partner have developed a way to express how much they can contribute to the relationship on any given day and how they connect and stay kind enough to uplift each other when it’s not a 50/50 day. 

Imagine a scenario where you come home from work feeling exhausted and drained. Recognizing you’re close to your limit, you explain that you can only give 20% of your energy to your relationship. A thoughtful, emotionally mature partner should respond, “That’s OK. I’ll carry the other 80%.”

On days when you can’t reach 100% with your partner, you both need extra kindness, which is why developing relational compassion should be a goal.

Build an Emotionally Intelligent You

Think of emotional intelligence as a muscle you can strengthen. Pay attention and don’t blame yourself for your imperfections. Your ability to self-regulate and develop integrity falls into place with mindful breathing, a questioning mind, and the courage to have difficult conversations.